Registered: Aug 2011
Location: Emporia, Kansas
Posts: 372

Subject: Old people at the grocery store

I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there.”

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Registered: Feb 2010
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Good one!

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A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk
that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam,"replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the
first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
"WELL! "replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown
would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he had a heart attack due to an unknown
congenital condition as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel
that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?"
"That one was a Democrat", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed
and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

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Registered: Aug 2011
Location: Emporia, Kansas
Posts: 372

LITTLE JOHNNY'S SALESMANSHIP



A little levity!!!!


Everyone went into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.



Little Sally led off "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher



Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.



Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467,” he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing; "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!" I would say, "It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?""I used the Bernie Sanders method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

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😅

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A CNN REPORTER WALKS INTO A NEIGHBORHOOD TAVERN AND IS ABOUT TO ORDER A DRINK WHEN HE SEES A GUY AT THE END OF THE BAR WEARING A "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" HAT. IT DIDN'T TAKE AN EINSTEIN TO KNOW THE GUY WAS A DONALD TRUMP SUPPORTER.
THE CNN GUY SHOUTS OVER TO THE BARTENDER, LOUDLY ENOUGH THAT EVERYONE IN THE BAR COULD HEAR, "DRINKS FOR EVERYONE IN HERE, BARTENDER, EXCEPT FOR THAT TRUMP SUPPORTER."
AFTER THE DRINKS WERE HANDED OUT THE TRUMP GUY GIVES THE CNN GUY A BIG SMILE, WAVES AT HIM AND SAYS, IN AN EQUALLY LOUD VOICE, "THANK YOU!"
THIS INFURIATES THE CNN REPORTER. SO HE ONCE AGAIN LOUDLY ORDERS DRINKS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE GUY WEARING THE TRUMP HAT. AS BEFORE, THIS DOESN'T SEEM TO BOTHER THE TRUMP GUY. HE JUST CONTINUES TO SMILE AND AGAIN YELLS, "THANK YOU!"
SO THE CNN GUY AGAIN LOUDLY ORDERS DRINKS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE TRUMP GUY. AND AGAIN THE TRUMP GUY JUST SMILES AND YELLS BACK, "THANK YOU!"
AT THAT POINT THE AGGRAVATED CNN REPORTER ASKS THE BARTENDER, "WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH THAT TRUMP SUPPORTER? I'VE ORDERED THREE ROUNDS OF DRINKS FOR EVERYONE IN THE BAR BUT HIM AND ALL THE SILLY ASS DOES IS SMILE AND THANK ME. IS HE NUTS?"
"NOPE," REPLIES THE BARTENDER. "HE OWNS THE PLACE."

__________________
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You can't fix STUPID!

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Registered: Feb 2010
Location: off the res.
Posts: 3416

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

__________________
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Registered: Aug 2011
Location: Emporia, Kansas
Posts: 372

Day 1- I can do this. Got enough food and wine to last a month Day 2- Opening my eighth bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not last! Day3- Strawberries; some have 210 seeds and some have 235 seeds. Who knew? Day 4- 8:00 pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas. Day 5- Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots. Day 6- I get to take the Garbage out. I'm so excited. I can't decide what to wear. Day 7- Laughting way too much at my own jokes. Day 8- Went to a new resturant called "The Kitchen". You have to gather all the ingredieants and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business. Day 9- I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I'm getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping. Day 10- Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He's a Web Designer. Day 11- I swear my fridge just said, "What the hell do you want now?" Day 12- I realize why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going on walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel. Day 13- If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you cannot accidently touch your face. Day 14- Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1. Day 15- Anybody else feel like they've cooked dinner about 395 times this month?

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Registered: Aug 2011
Location: Emporia, Kansas
Posts: 372

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going
to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing
in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE
BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone
was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid
to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old
87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".

Pass this along to some other old fogey so they can smile today. (I just
did).

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little [censored], O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must havehad something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's br**st, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
**************************************************
******************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
**************************************************
***************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at theGuinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
**************************************************
****************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that darn gun...'
**************************************************
*******
ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Registered: Feb 2010
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Posts: 3416

Found out why there was such a run on toilet paper lately.
I was in line at Walmart yesterday and sneezed, 6 people crapped their pants.

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Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Posts: 372

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world

“I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do? ”

"First Place" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world.

"I'm entering" says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out? ”

“First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?”

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”

Pinocchio says "This is mine said Pinocchio"

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

“Who the hell is Adam Schiff?”

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One Sunday, a young boy sat on the steps to a large church with a box full of puppies and a sign reading: Democrat puppies for sale, $10.00.

The next Sunday, the same young man with the same box full of puppies appeared on the church steps, this time with a sign that said, Republican puppies for sale, $20.00.

The pastor came out of the church after the service and said to the young lad, "Son, isn't that the same box of puppies you had here last week?"

To which the boy replied, "Yes, sir."

Pastor, "Well last week you claimed they were Democrat puppies and this week you say they are Republican puppies, and the price has doubled; how can that be?"

Little boy, "This week they have their eyes open, pastor."

__________________
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Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Registered: Apr 2015
Location: church hill tn
Posts: 5637

Loved the puppy post, simple as it seems there is so much truth in that post. Dave

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Dave Richards Treeing Walkers Reg American Saddlebred and Registered Rocky Mt. Show Horses

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Registered: Oct 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 102

Shamelessly copied and posted elsewhere.

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Gloria

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Location: Emporia, Kansas
Posts: 372

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at
night.

So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to
bed I think there's somebody under it.

I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come in and
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
fears".

How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to
see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00.

A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that
money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did
a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!"

FORGET THE SHRINKS, HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO A BARTENDER!



ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!

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Location: Emporia, Kansas
Posts: 372

I stopped by the GMC/Chevy Dealership yesterday in Norway, ME, for a look at the new 2020 Silverado. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before I get too old.

The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a 'RESIST' lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer.

Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

"I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"

I had to walk back to the dealership, but it was worth it!

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Posts: 3416

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today?

I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator."

She didn't quite know how to respond.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"

Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Registered: Jul 2003
Location: PA
Posts: 2154

A counselor at a mental facility was very pleased with the progress his patients were making. As a reward, he decided to take some of the men and women that he was counseling to a ballgame.

After a particularly good play, he called out " clap nuts", and they all stood up and started clapping.

When the home team scored a run to take the lead, he called out "cheer nuts", and they all started cheering.

Satisfied that things were going well, he headed off to the concession stand. Upon returning, there was a big commotion in his section. He asked a nearby fan what had happened. The fan responded that everything was going fine until a stadium vendor came by, calling out "Peanuts Here".

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Lexophilia is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
__________________________________________________
_________________

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

It is never the wrong time to do the right thing.” Mark Twain

The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; the optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. Winston Churchill

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

Last edited by Bob Hennessey on 07-24-2020 at 02:54 AM

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Registered: Jun 2014
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 3370

You forgot to mention the butcher who backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

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Donald Bergeron

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THIS IS WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?

Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.

'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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😄

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Registered: Aug 2011
Location: Emporia, Kansas
Posts: 372

Tax return submitted by a New Jersey person...



The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", the man wrote: “ 11.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians".

On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”



The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: "Who did I leave out?"

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Posts: 5823

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Cheyenne & Jennifer Cummings
Seneca , MO
(417)317-4815
"TEAM MAFIA"
*NATIONAL GRNITECH GRCH GRNITECH(5) HALL OF FAME PKC PLATIUM CH REDNECK BACKWOODS SHACK
2014 OK STATE CH, 2015 MO PKC LEADER, 2016 PKC NATIONALS SEMIFINALIST, 2016 UKC TOP 20, 2O17 UKC WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP 3RD PLACE, 2018 PKC SENIOR SHOWDOWN TRUCK HUNT FINAL 4, 2018 MO PKC STATE CHAMPION, 2019 AUTUMN OAKS NATIONAL GRNITE CH, 2019 PKC WORLD CH SEMIFINALIST. 2021 PKC SENIOR SHOWDOWN TRUCK HUNT FINAL 4.
*PKC WORLD CHAMPION PLATNIUM CHAMPION GRNITECH SHACK'S HEATHER ISLAND SOUTHERN STOGIE
2021 OKLAHOMA STATE CHAMPION, 2022 PKC WORLD CHAMPION, 2022 MO PKC STATE LEADER PRO SPORT TRUCK WINNER

RIP
*GRNITECH PKC SCH REDNECK MAFIA PKC HALL OF FAME REPRODUCER INDUCTED 2022
*GRNITECH CH PKC SILVER CH REDNECK SHACK ATTACK aka TAC 2018 OKLAHOMA STATE CHAMPION, 2020 MO PKC STATE LEADER

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