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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 2988

Teachers & Cops:

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2 I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."(LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS...
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

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Old Post 06-26-2018 03:16 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 2988

After some research Hawaiian Officials found that to stop the lava flows, they need to throw a natural born Hawaiian into the volcano.

Barack Obama instantly produced his Kenyan Birth certificate!

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Old Post 06-26-2018 03:19 AM
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Redneck Mafia
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Aug 2013
Location: Seneca, Mo
Posts: 3460

__________________
Cheyenne & Jennifer Cummings
Seneca , MO
(417)317-4815
GRNITECH PKC SCH REDNECK MAFIA
GRCH GRNITECH PKC GCH REDNECK BACKWOODS SHACK
2014 OK STATE CH, 2015 MO PKC LEADER, 2016 PKC NATIONALS SEMI-FINALIST. 2016 UKC TOP 20. 2O17 UKC WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP 3RD PLACE. 2018 PKC SENIOR SHOWDOWN TRUCK HUNT FINAL 4. 2018 MO PKC STATE CHAMPION
NITECH PKC CH REDNECK SHACK ATTACK aka TAC 2018 OKLAHOMA STATE CHAMPION

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Old Post 10-16-2018 08:26 PM
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oklared
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2005
Location: oklahoma
Posts: 4224

quote:
Originally posted by Redneck Mafia



AT LEAST SHE'S 1000TH OKLA INDIAN

__________________
HOME OF 2010 HIGH SCOREING REDBONE FEMALE, DUAL CH Y2KD, #7 REPRODUCING RED FEMALE
NT.Ch. WINNER AT REDBONE SEC. 2008
3RD PL. NT.CH. 2009 BATTLE OF BREEDS AT ADA OKLA.
4TH PLACE R.Q.E 2010
2ND PLACE OVERALL AT ZONE 4 AND DOUBLE CAST WINNER 2010
WENT TO 2010 WORLD HUNT
AMERICAN REDBONE ASSOCIATION HIGH SCOREING REDBONE FEMALE OF THE 2010 WORLD HUNT
OVERALL HI SCOREING DOG AT 2010 BBCHA BLUE TIC SECTIONAL
GR.NT.CH. AT 12 and A HALF
MADE-EM SEE RED

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Old Post 10-18-2018 04:02 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 2988

While walking down the street one day , a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in [beeep] and one in heaven.

Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? OK, I've made up my mind I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator , and he goes down, down, down to [beeep].

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse , and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time , that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in [beeep] and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in [beeep]."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to [beeep]...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above .
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage , and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......Today, you voted.."

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Old Post 11-12-2018 01:16 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 2988

I was thinking;If only 11 million people have Obama-Care, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed?

I was thinking;If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent.

I was thinking,,If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?

I was thinking;If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?

I was thinking;Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama's term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.

I was thinking;We should stop calling them all 'Entitlements'. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, ad nausea are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.

I was thinking;If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they're Islamophobic?

I was thinking;If Liberals don't believe in biological gender then why did they march for women's rights?

I was thinking;How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?

I was thinking;Why is it that Democrats think Super delegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?

I was thinking;If you don't want the FBI involved in elections, don't nominate someone who's being investigated by the FBI.

I was thinking;If Hillary's speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?

I was thinking;The DNC is mad at Russia because they 'think' they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our election.

I was thinking;If Democrats don't want foreigners involved in our elections, why do they think it's all right for illegals to vote?

I'm going to quit thinking for a while; my head hurts.

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Old Post 12-27-2018 07:29 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 2988

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free hair cut And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

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Old Post 01-21-2019 04:21 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 2988

BEING KISSED WHILE YOU ARE ALSEEP IS ONE OF THE PUREST FORMS OF LOVE!





UNLESS YOU ARE IN PRISON!!!!!

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Old Post 01-27-2019 04:09 PM
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Rex Ridge
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Nov 2015
Location:
Posts: 2299

😂😂😂

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Old Post 01-27-2019 04:32 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 2988

Chuck Schumer was visiting a Washington D.C. primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Schumer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So Mr. Schumer asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.
'Incorrect,' said Schumer. 'That would be an accident.
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Schumer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Schumer searched the room
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Pelosi and The Obamas and Mrs. Clinton was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
'Fantastic' exclaimed Schumer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 02-15-2019 02:56 AM
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Rex Ridge
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Nov 2015
Location:
Posts: 2299

That darn Johnny. 😆😆😆

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Old Post 02-15-2019 05:17 AM
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honalieh
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Jul 2003
Location: PA
Posts: 1729

Johnny

The teacher gives her class a math problem. Teacher says: There are 3 birds on a telephone line, and somebody shoots one. How many birds are left on the telephone line. Johnny raises his hand and the teacher calls on him. OK, Johnny what's the answer? Johnny replies there are NO birds left on the telephone line because the others got scared and flew away. Teacher tells Johnny "the correct answer is 2, but I like the way you're thinking".

Johnny says: OK teach, I have one for you. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench. One is holding a bag of lollipops, one is unwrapping a lollipop, and one is sucking on a lollipop. Which one is married? Teacher replies: it's the one sucking on the lollipop. Johnny says: "No teach, it's the one wearing the wedding ring. But, I like the way you're thinking!"

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Old Post 02-16-2019 04:32 AM
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honalieh
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Jul 2003
Location: PA
Posts: 1729

Johnny

The teacher gives her class a math problem. Teacher says: There are 3 birds on a telephone line, and somebody shoots one. How many birds are left on the telephone line. Johnny raises his hand and the teacher calls on him. OK, Johnny what's the answer? Johnny replies there are NO birds left on the telephone line because the others got scared and flew away. Teacher tells Johnny "the correct answer is 2, but I like the way you're thinking".

Johnny says: OK teach, I have one for you. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench. One is holding a bag of lollipops, one is unwrapping a lollipop, and one is sucking on a lollipop. Which one is married? Teacher replies: it's the one sucking on the lollipop. Johnny says: "No teach, it's the one wearing the wedding ring. But, I like the way you're thinking!"

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Old Post 02-16-2019 07:12 AM
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