UKC Forums UKC Front Page :: Field Operations :: Show Operations :: Registration :: UKC Store
Here you can view your subscribed threads, work with private messages and edit your profile and preferences Registration is free! Calendar Find other members Frequently Asked Questions Search Home  
UKC Forums : Powered by vBulletin version 2.3.0 UKC Forums > Departments > UKC Coonhounds > Off Topic > A little Humor
Pages (5): « First ... « 2 3 [4] 5 »   Last Thread   Next Thread
Author
Thread Post New Thread    Post A Reply
Redneck Mafia
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Aug 2013
Location: Seneca, Mo
Posts: 3718

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

__________________
Cheyenne & Jennifer Cummings
Seneca , MO
(417)317-4815
GRNITECH PKC SCH REDNECK MAFIA
GRCH GRNITECH PKC GCH REDNECK BACKWOODS SHACK
2014 OK STATE CH, 2015 MO PKC LEADER, 2016 PKC NATIONALS SEMI-FINALIST. 2016 UKC TOP 20. 2O17 UKC WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP 3RD PLACE. 2018 PKC SENIOR SHOWDOWN TRUCK HUNT FINAL 4. 2018 MO PKC STATE CHAMPION
NITECH PKC CH REDNECK SHACK ATTACK aka TAC 2018 OKLAHOMA STATE CHAMPION

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 04-06-2017 06:28 PM
Redneck Mafia is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Redneck Mafia Click here to Send Redneck Mafia a Private Message Click Here to Email Redneck Mafia Find more posts by Redneck Mafia Add Redneck Mafia to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Chuck Allen
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2012
Location: Amerika land of the free?
Posts: 1000

LOL NOW THATS FUNNY I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.

__________________
The more laws a nation has the more corrupt the nation.

When the law of the land becomes unjust outlaws will rise to take their place in history.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 04-06-2017 09:58 PM
Chuck Allen is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Chuck Allen Click here to Send Chuck Allen a Private Message Find more posts by Chuck Allen Add Chuck Allen to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

Senior Citizens

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “[beeep] NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 04-21-2017 03:24 AM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

The difference between anger and exasperation

My grand daughter came to me the other night with her homework assignment being determining the difference between anger and exasperation. I told her it was a matter of level. She replied that she didn't understand so I said watch this.
I dialed up a random number on the phone and when the man answered I asked, Is Homer there?
The man politely replied, No, I'm sorry but there's no Homer here. You have the wrong number and hung up.
I immediately hit redial and when the man answered I asked, Is Homer there? The man said , Look buddy, I told you there's no Homer here and hung the phone up again. I once again hit redial and the man answered WHAT!!!..I said, Is Homer there? The man screamed into the phone cussing with every breath telling me not to call again. I then told my grand daughter, that was anger. Now this will be exasperation. I hit redial and the man was absolutely going off cussing badly. I said , This is Homer, have I had any calls?

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 04-21-2017 03:28 AM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Ruger
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2017
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 122

how many democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

none cause they can't change anything

__________________
Ain't no better noise than a bawl mouth redbone on tree!!!!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 04-21-2017 04:01 AM
Ruger is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Ruger Click here to Send Ruger a Private Message Find more posts by Ruger Add Ruger to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing
it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day,
decided he just had to play golf.

So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father
Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew
from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord
while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed,
"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and
asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, " and Who's he going to tell?"

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 05-14-2017 08:26 PM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLI6VA40oUs

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

Last edited by Bob Hennessey on 05-23-2017 at 02:45 AM

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 05-23-2017 02:43 AM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Ahole !"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?"

Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer ?"
"
Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile ?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Ahole ?"

Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-18-2017 03:37 AM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Redneck Mafia
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Aug 2013
Location: Seneca, Mo
Posts: 3718

__________________
Cheyenne & Jennifer Cummings
Seneca , MO
(417)317-4815
GRNITECH PKC SCH REDNECK MAFIA
GRCH GRNITECH PKC GCH REDNECK BACKWOODS SHACK
2014 OK STATE CH, 2015 MO PKC LEADER, 2016 PKC NATIONALS SEMI-FINALIST. 2016 UKC TOP 20. 2O17 UKC WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP 3RD PLACE. 2018 PKC SENIOR SHOWDOWN TRUCK HUNT FINAL 4. 2018 MO PKC STATE CHAMPION
NITECH PKC CH REDNECK SHACK ATTACK aka TAC 2018 OKLAHOMA STATE CHAMPION

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-18-2017 05:37 AM
Redneck Mafia is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Redneck Mafia Click here to Send Redneck Mafia a Private Message Click Here to Email Redneck Mafia Find more posts by Redneck Mafia Add Redneck Mafia to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Rex Ridge
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Nov 2015
Location:
Posts: 2393

Talking

😃

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-18-2017 03:22 PM
Rex Ridge is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Rex Ridge Click here to Send Rex Ridge a Private Message Find more posts by Rex Ridge Add Rex Ridge to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

LANDING ON THE SUN

Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be
sending a man to the sun within ten years!


A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the
sun?”

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night”.

The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into
thunderous applause.

Back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching the news
conference

When Pelosi heard what Kim said, she sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody
knows there’s no sun at night.”

Her office and everyone working in the DNC broke into thunderous applause.

Meantime, Hillary Clinton was also watching and said, "Someone call Putin! If we act quickly, no telling how much he will donate to the foundation for 20% landing rights on the sun

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 10-27-2017 02:29 AM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

Last Saturday afternoon in Washington, D.C. an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic Cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over some of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to you if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the Church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Ms. Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded. "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Ms. Pelosi is a saint."

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 02-05-2018 02:34 AM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Rex Ridge
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Nov 2015
Location:
Posts: 2393

😄

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 02-05-2018 06:20 AM
Rex Ridge is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Rex Ridge Click here to Send Rex Ridge a Private Message Find more posts by Rex Ridge Add Rex Ridge to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
KJO
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Jan 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 221

quote:
Originally posted by Bob Hennessey
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REPUBLICAN AND A DEMOCRAT


Mitt Romney and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came
upon a homeless person. Romney gave the homeless person his business
card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his
pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came upon another homeless person, she decided to help.

She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Romney’s pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and
gave the homeless person $5.



Love it !!! LOL !!!

__________________
Work Hard Or Go Home !!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 02-05-2018 08:37 PM
KJO is offline Click Here to See the Profile for KJO Click here to Send KJO a Private Message Click Here to Email KJO Find more posts by KJO Add KJO to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 02-15-2018 01:34 AM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

Every year, Smitty and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. And every year, Smitty would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year, Martha would reply, "I know, Smitty, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Smitty and Martha went to the fair and Smitty said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Smitty, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Smitty and Martha agreed, and up they went.
The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Smitty, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Smitty replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!"

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 03-17-2018 05:48 PM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Rex Ridge
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Nov 2015
Location:
Posts: 2393

A wife asked her husband what he liked best about her, her pretty face or her sexy body.
He replied "your sense of humor"

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 03-18-2018 06:18 AM
Rex Ridge is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Rex Ridge Click here to Send Rex Ridge a Private Message Find more posts by Rex Ridge Add Rex Ridge to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

I am often amazed and amused at some of the names parents name their children. Among the many names that would cause someone to wonder, what parent would hold their newborn baby and name them some of the names they come up with. But one of the most unusual and funny stories I ever heard about names I will share.
This man was named “Odd”. Yep, his parents named him “Odd” and he hated it and was the brunt of jokes all his life. He married and they had children and one day he told his wife how much he hated his name and made her promise that when he died she would not put his name on the tombstone. When he passed away she called the children together and told them his request. They buried him and on his tombstone, they put the date of birth and the date of death but left the rest blank.
Now when people walk through the cemetery and view that headstone they say, “That’s Odd.”

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 03-25-2018 05:37 PM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Chuck Allen
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2012
Location: Amerika land of the free?
Posts: 1000

Talking

Rumor has it that The Donald went on a double date years ago on a stormy night with Hillary and Huma.

__________________
The more laws a nation has the more corrupt the nation.

When the law of the land becomes unjust outlaws will rise to take their place in history.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 03-29-2018 04:02 AM
Chuck Allen is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Chuck Allen Click here to Send Chuck Allen a Private Message Find more posts by Chuck Allen Add Chuck Allen to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Doug Robinson
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Jun 2003
Location: Warsaw, New York
Posts: 4217

Jeff Foxworthy

https://youtu.be/FGMkEfuWZHM

__________________
Doug Robinson

Past Home of:
GRNITECH FCH GRCH ROBINSON'S SILVERTONE BLUSPECK HTX DNA-P
GRNITECH GRCH PKC CH ROBINSON'S RED LINDSAY
NITECH GRFCH GRWCH GRCH ROBINSON'S CROOKTAIL KATE
GRNITECH GRCH ROBINSON'S CIDERHOUSE LULU
NITECH GRCH GRFCH GRWCH RED RIDGE'S SUPER SHOCK Z HTX2
NITECH GRCH ROBINSON'S OATKA VALLEY ANNIE (BLUSPECK DAUGHTER)
NITECH GRCH ROBINSON'S JJ THUNDER SUE

THE YOUNG GUNS IN TRAINING

CH PR ROBINSON'S OATKA VALLEY CHUNK - (GRNITECH CH MIDNIGHT STORMS WILDMAN BUCK X NITECH GRCH ROBINSON'S OATKA VALLEY ANNIE)

PR ROBINSON'S OATKA VALLEY JUNEBUG - (GRNITECH PKC CH RIVER BOTTOM'S CRACKER JACK X NITECH GRCH ROBINSON'S OATKA VALLEY ANNIE)

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 04-02-2018 01:09 AM
Doug Robinson is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Doug Robinson Click here to Send Doug Robinson a Private Message Click Here to Email Doug Robinson Find more posts by Doug Robinson Add Doug Robinson to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

Yep, these are some of the same ones marching against the 2nd Amendment today!



The following questions were part of last year's GED examination.

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and
the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (What in the world?)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant) .

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 04-15-2018 04:37 PM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable. The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 05-14-2018 01:12 AM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3048

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.


She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

You can do your bit by remembering to send this to an unstable friend. I've done my part.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 06-05-2018 01:17 AM
Bob Hennessey is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bob Hennessey Click here to Send Bob Hennessey a Private Message Find more posts by Bob Hennessey Add Bob Hennessey to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Rex Ridge
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Nov 2015
Location:
Posts: 2393

😃

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 06-05-2018 08:32 PM
Rex Ridge is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Rex Ridge Click here to Send Rex Ridge a Private Message Find more posts by Rex Ridge Add Rex Ridge to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Cowboyred
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2010
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 339

I was visiting with the head administrator of a psychiatric hospital and asked her how they determined if someone needed to be admitted or if they could be sent home. She said "we use the bathtub test, it is very telling". I asked her to explain further what this test was and how it was administered. "Well, we fill a tub full of water and then offer the potential patient a spoon, a coffee cup and a 5 gallon bucket and ask them to empty the tub". "That's easy" I said, "the five gallon bucket would be the most efficient way to empty the tub". "Or", she replied "you could pull the plug, would you like a room with a view?"

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 06-05-2018 11:26 PM
Cowboyred is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Cowboyred Click here to Send Cowboyred a Private Message Find more posts by Cowboyred Add Cowboyred to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
All times are GMT. The time now is 10:32 AM. Post New Thread    Post A Reply
Pages (5): « First ... « 2 3 [4] 5 »   Last Thread   Next Thread
Show Printable Version | Email this Page | Subscribe to this Thread


Forum Jump:
 

Forum Rules:
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is OFF
vB code is ON
Smilies are ON
[IMG] code is ON
 
< Contact Us - The United Kennel Club >

Copyright 2003-2017, United Kennel Club
Powered by: vBulletin Version 2.3.0
(vBulletin courtesy Jelsoft Enterprises Limited.)