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ThatBlueDog
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Sep 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 113

One day while driving home a lady was pulled over for speeding. The officer came up to her car and said mam you know why I pulled you over? The women replied to ask me to be your date to the Pennsylvania state police ball? The officer replied Pennsylvania state police don't have any balls...the office stood there in silence for a moment then said you have a good day mam your free to go....

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Old Post 06-08-2016 03:58 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

Dear Friends:

I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.
We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame.
We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.
It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington who never told a lie or beside Barack Hussein Obama who never told the truth
since Hillary could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus the greatest Democrat of them all.
He left not knowing where he was going and when he got there he did not know where he was.
He returned not knowing where he had been and did it all on someone else's money.
Thank you,

Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

PS - The Committee has raised $2.16 so far this year

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Old Post 06-20-2016 01:44 AM
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AppalachianBlue
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2015
Location: Eastern Shore Originally, Western Maryland now
Posts: 1255

Id give ya twice that to give up lol

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Old Post 06-20-2016 02:33 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

My Prostate Exam

After my recent Prostate Exam at the Hospital,
which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had,
the Doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....

She said...."Who Was That guy?"

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Old Post 06-25-2016 04:14 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole dam thing!"

But, enough about me. How ya doing?"

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Old Post 07-18-2016 06:43 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

http://www.thepoliticalinsider.com/...7/truckjoke.jpg

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Old Post 07-18-2016 09:48 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store.
I like the wine store best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?

And I don't have acne.
Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.

Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 12-18-2016 12:43 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

After Quasimodo's death, the Archbishop of Paris at the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The Archbishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin what he thought would be a long screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day and would offer prayers for more success the next day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and falling flat on his face announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'But man you have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe my technique!'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the massive carillon.
The Archbishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the final bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned Archbishop rushed down the two hundred and ninety five steps of the bell tower. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the disfiggered fallen figure. They had been drawn to the Cathedral, by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before from the melodious bells.

They silently parted to let the Archbishop through and one of them asked,

'Archbishop, who was this man ?'..

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
' BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more



The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Archbishop continued his interviews for the new bell ringer of Notre Dame Cathedral.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The Archbishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died before he hit the floor.

Two monks who were saying their Mattins, hearing the Archbishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'

Scroll down if you dare!!!!!!!!








'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 12-18-2016 12:49 AM
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Redneck Mafia
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Aug 2013
Location: Seneca, Mo
Posts: 3688

First “Official” President Trump Joke
A large earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East._ Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
_


Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and the governments asked for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world was in shock.
_

Great Britain sent troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia sent oil and monetary assistance.

Latin American countries sent clothing.


New Zealand and Australia sent sheep, cattle and food crops.


The Asian countries sent labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada sent medical teams and supplies.

The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, sent two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless President Trump!

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Old Post 01-27-2017 10:49 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

She Was Sunbathing…Where?
A rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel.

It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised ‘deck’ which received the sun all day long.
She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second day, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
She’d been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof.
Startled, she didn’t have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.
“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered Assistant Manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
‘The Hilton doesn’t mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday.”
‘”YESTERDAY!” she exclaimed, rather irritated…..
“Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make anyway, since no one except a nosy Assistant Manager can see me? I’m on the top floor and I’m covered with a towel.”
“Well, that would be true,” said the embarrassed little man, “except for the fact that you’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 02-24-2017 03:11 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

She Got Exactly What She Wanted
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks over at her and speaks in a clear voice. “Darling,” he says, “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 55 mph.
“And don’t try to talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 65.
He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.

Up to 75 mph.”I want the car, too,” he continues. 80 mph.

“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete wall. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies – in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says.

“Oh, really?” he inquires. “So what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles.
“The airbag.”

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 02-24-2017 03:18 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

GOD'S PLAN FOR AGING
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom, He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So, if you find as you age you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky and theycan't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach
a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 02-24-2017 03:51 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

IN GOD WE TRUST

Subject: Tips from The Redneck Book of Manners

GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 02-24-2017 03:58 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?" "Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi. So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens:

"Funny you should ask," said the booming voice: "I, too, sent my Son to Israel

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 03-07-2017 03:17 AM
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Chuck Allen
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2012
Location: Amerika land of the free?
Posts: 997

Bob i do believe you might be a redneck,you are also pretty down gone funny love your posts. The hillary monument committee made my coffee come out my nose.

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The more laws a nation has the more corrupt the nation.

When the law of the land becomes unjust outlaws will rise to take their place in history.

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Old Post 03-07-2017 04:59 AM
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michael.magorian
Banned

Registered: Mar 2008
Location: Menominee, Nebraska
Posts: 875

So Old Boy is sitting out on his porch swing having a pipe when I saw a little boy come walking down the street pulling a wagon and he had something hidden behind his back.

Old Boy: Hey son. What you got there?
Little Boy: I got me some chicken wire I'm going to use to catch chickens.
Old Boy: Well that's good, but I don't think it works that way.

A couple of hours later little boy comes back and there were 6 chickens sitting in his wagon, and the Old Boy was in awe. The next day Old Boy is out on the porch swing having a pipe again and sees the little boy come walking down the street with his wagon and something behind his back again.

Old Boy: You after more chickens today?
Little Boy: No sir.
Old Boy: Then what you got there?
Little Boy: A lucky rabbit's foot I'm going to use to catch me some rabbits.
Old Boy (laughing): Ok, well good luck.

A couple hours later Little Boy comes back and he has 8 rabbits sitting in his wagon. The Old Boy just can't believe what he is seeing. The next day the Old Boy makes sure he is out to see what the Little Boy comes up with. Right on schedule here comes the Little Boy with his wagon and something behind his back.

Old Boy: So what you got today?
Little Boy: I got me some pussy willows.
Old Boy: Hang on! Let me get my boots.

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Walk softly and carry a big stick.

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Old Post 03-07-2017 02:40 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

quote:
Originally posted by Chuck Allen
Bob i do believe you might be a redneck,you are also pretty down gone funny love your posts. The hillary monument committee made my coffee come out my nose.


Yep, from northern Minnesota. It was funny, but I was called Redneck while I was in the Navy, Been a redneck all my life. I'm living proof you don't have to be born in the south to be a Redneck. LOL!
Reading this Off Topic forum I figure a little humor can help.

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 03-07-2017 03:09 PM
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Chuck Allen
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2012
Location: Amerika land of the free?
Posts: 997

Go Navy i knew there was a reason we think alike , were you able to copy my last letter before that thread got poofed?

S/FI from your brother from another mother

__________________
The more laws a nation has the more corrupt the nation.

When the law of the land becomes unjust outlaws will rise to take their place in history.

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Old Post 03-07-2017 03:34 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

NO, it was gone.

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 03-07-2017 04:29 PM
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Chuck Allen
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2012
Location: Amerika land of the free?
Posts: 997

check your pm and send me your e-mail.

__________________
The more laws a nation has the more corrupt the nation.

When the law of the land becomes unjust outlaws will rise to take their place in history.

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Old Post 03-07-2017 05:13 PM
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Chuck Allen
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2012
Location: Amerika land of the free?
Posts: 997

quote:
Originally posted by Chuck Allen
check your pm and send me your e-mail.


Bob just cleared my inbox did not realize it was full resend your email.

S/FI Chuck

__________________
The more laws a nation has the more corrupt the nation.

When the law of the land becomes unjust outlaws will rise to take their place in history.

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Old Post 03-07-2017 09:26 PM
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Bob Hennessey
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Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.” The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say hell and you say ass.”

“OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

Something tells me he’s in trouble now too!

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 03-09-2017 04:24 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

There is a rumor that the intelligence agencies are able to spy on us through our home appliances, especially Sam Sung smart TV sets. I have a Sam Sung smart TV, so I decided to check out the rumor. I stripped down and did an Indian war dance I learned as a kid and danced naked in front of the TV. 3 minutes into my dance the TV turned itself off. Do you think there was any truth to the rumor?

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 03-11-2017 09:57 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3044

Nancy Pelosi, was feeling run down and under the weather so she went to see the doctor and told him that it had gotten so bad she didn't even know if she was coming or going. The doctor told her to take off all her clothes and then get down on hands and knees and crawl away from him to the door and back to him, she did as she was told and when she finished he said "I can't tell weather you are coming or going either."

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 03-11-2017 10:14 PM
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Chuck Allen
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2012
Location: Amerika land of the free?
Posts: 997

LOL she sure resembles those remarks. S/FI

__________________
The more laws a nation has the more corrupt the nation.

When the law of the land becomes unjust outlaws will rise to take their place in history.

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Old Post 03-12-2017 01:08 AM
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