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bigtimberkennel
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2011
Location: Charleston, Il.
Posts: 8719

A preacher walks by a little boy w/ a bottle of turpentine & the boy is shakin' it the preacher asks the boy wants he doin' the boy says this is the most powerful liquid in the world,oh no said the preacher the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water,you can put 2 drops of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach & she'll pass a baby boy,the little boy says that ain't nothin' you put 2 drops of this turpentine on a cat's a** & he'll pass a motorcycle.

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Old Post 08-24-2015 01:05 AM
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Cowboyred
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2010
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 343

A guy dies and winds up in hell. The devil greets him and offers him the choice of spending eternity in one of 3 rooms which are behind closed doors. The guy asks satan if he can see what's in each of the rooms before he has to choose. Satan says sure and opens door #1 reveling a hardwood floor where everyone is standing on their head. The guy steps back shaking his head no and asks to see the next room. Opening this door satan reveals a cobble stone floor, and again, everyone is standing on their head. The guy says "wow that's worse than the last one, what's room #3 like?" Satan opens door #3 and reveals a bunch of people standing in calf deep manure drinking coffee. Satan says "so, which will it be?" The guy says "I'll take #3, standing in crap drinking coffee is much better than standing on your head on wood or stones". Satan says "okay, 3 it is then" and closes the door as he leaves. Just as the guy gets ready to pour himself a cup of coffee a loud horn blares and an announcer says "coffee break's over, everybody back on your head"

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Old Post 08-25-2015 05:15 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup and
again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much
larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. . .

MY dog is a DEMOCRAT!

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Old Post 08-28-2015 11:58 PM
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AppalachianBlue
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2015
Location: Eastern Shore Originally, Western Maryland now
Posts: 1255

Lol

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Old Post 08-30-2015 04:04 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

Things I trust more than Hillary Clinton

Mexican tap water.

A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign.

OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection.

An elevator ride with Ray Rice.

Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby.

Michael Jackson's Doctor.

An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran.

A Palestinian on a motorcycle.

Gas station Sushi.

Jimmy Carter economic plan.

Brian Williams news reports.

Loch Ness monster sightings.

Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton.

Playing Russian Roulette with a semi-auto pistol.

Emails from Nigerian princes.

The Heimlich Maneuver from Barney Frank.

A condom made in China.

A prostate exam from Captain Hook.

And finally...
Bill Clinton at a Girl Scout convention.

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Old Post 09-02-2015 12:32 AM
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Duckassassin
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1148

I was wondering why ford went to the lighter aluminum frame and I thought oh of course easier to push duh!

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Old Post 09-03-2015 03:42 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way. So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked..... and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government, and ...occupy its highest and most influential positions..... and which later became the symbol for the Democrat party.

Thus ends your knowledge lesson for today.

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Old Post 10-03-2015 09:15 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went
by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast
that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to
six a week.

So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain,
"You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and
killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy
drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign
that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said,
"You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .

That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said,
"Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer Jack off his back said "Sure. Put up
your own sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but
curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John,
“How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go
out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be
something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.


'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch for chicks!'

_________________________

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Old Post 10-03-2015 09:23 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

With the Holidays close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after
a "social session" with family or friends. Well, two days ago, this happened to me.

I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home!

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it..

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call. wink

Have a safe New Years

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Old Post 12-26-2015 10:35 PM
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AppalachianBlue
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2015
Location: Eastern Shore Originally, Western Maryland now
Posts: 1255

Lol nice

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Old Post 12-26-2015 11:11 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

A lady calls her husband and asks, "Honey, can you send out a mechanic?"

The husband inquires as to what the problem is and she replies, "The car has water in the carburetor".

Impressed that his wife is even aware the car has a carburetor, the husband asks, "Where is the car?"

She sweetly replies, "It's in the swimming pool."

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Old Post 12-27-2015 12:02 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.
For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.

Probably not the same elephant.

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Old Post 04-11-2016 11:33 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

I received the following rather sentimental piece from an old (I mean really
old) friend this morning.

Sentimental maybe...but very touching. It brought tears to my eyes.

I think the older members here will relate to this gentle piece, and I hope
that the younger folk will appreciate what us older folk have been through,
but yet still have much to look forward to.

Quote:
Walk With Me While I Age

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my
forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me while I age - worth the
read.


A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER










CRAP! ......
I don't remember the words

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Old Post 05-12-2016 04:15 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

Seniors at a coffee shop

A group of seniors were sitting around at the Coffee Club talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,? said one elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully, "Thank God we can all still drive."

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Old Post 05-12-2016 04:22 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!

1 Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
11. You can't remember who sent you this list.

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Old Post 05-12-2016 04:28 AM
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MERLE
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Apr 2016
Location: ohio
Posts: 19

a guy walks out on his porch one day and sees a gorilla up in his tree, hes like what the heck?. so he call a gorilla remover from the yellow pages. he shows up with a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun and a dog named lamar. hes like what we goona do is im gonna climb that tree and shake the gorilla out, when the gorilla falls out, lamar is gonna go bite him in the balls, when he goes to cover himself, your job is to put the handcuffs on him and ill haul him outta here. so the guy is like well whats the shotgun for? the gorilla remover said well in the unlikely event the gorilla shakes me outta the tree..................... you shoot lamar!! Hahahaha

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Old Post 05-14-2016 01:57 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

1. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

Finally:

24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

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Old Post 05-21-2016 05:55 PM
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AppalachianBlue
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2015
Location: Eastern Shore Originally, Western Maryland now
Posts: 1255

I like it

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Old Post 05-21-2016 06:19 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

Old friends met every day at the park.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?

Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The dam judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

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Old Post 05-26-2016 01:53 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3095

Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, DC an aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Obama's views. Obama's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Obama as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Obama's aide promised, Obama appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Obama was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While President Obama’s presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Barack Obama is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both In Washington and in Illinois. The man is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Obama is a Saint."

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Old Post 05-31-2016 08:02 PM
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Redneck Mafia
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Aug 2013
Location: Seneca, Mo
Posts: 4141

3 women are waiting at their OB office waiting to see the Dr. and get to visiting about what they are having . The brunette says she knows she is having a boy because she was on top . The redhead says , "Well I'm having a girl because I was on bottom ." The blonde becomes very distressed and starts to cry both of the other women get very concerned for her and want to know what's wrong , in between her sobs she states , "I'm having puppies !".

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Old Post 05-31-2016 08:31 PM
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honalieh
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Jul 2003
Location: PA
Posts: 1801

I can identify with this

quote:
Originally posted by Bob Hennessey
Seniors at a coffee shop

A group of seniors were sitting around at the Coffee Club talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,? said one elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully, "Thank God we can all still drive."



With elderly relatives, I can relate to this post!!! The last thing they will give up is driving.

But, they are likely safer drivers than those that are talking on their phone, or worse yet texting while driving. A drunk driver may be safer than a texting driver. It's the texting drivers that scare me the most!!!

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Old Post 06-01-2016 03:36 AM
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ryeager
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Sep 2015
Location: IN
Posts: 18

Man goes to the dr and says doc something's wrong I have a bowel movement every morning at 6 am dr says says that's wonderful to have a regular schedule man says yea but I don't get up til 7

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Old Post 06-01-2016 04:13 AM
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Ron Moore
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Jan 2006
Location: WV
Posts: 758

Unhappy

Boss told me Friday, man you're one of the best workers we ever had around here. I really don't know what we'd do without you BUT, come Monday morning were gonna' find out!

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Old Post 06-01-2016 05:59 PM
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knockemstiffeng
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2010
Location: ross county oh
Posts: 229

why did the chicken cross the road? ---to prove to the possum that it can be done.

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Old Post 06-04-2016 02:38 AM
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