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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

A little Humor

he teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

....I love these touching stories !!!

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Old Post 02-25-2015 03:12 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REPUBLICAN AND A DEMOCRAT


Mitt Romney and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came
upon a homeless person. Romney gave the homeless person his business
card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his
pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came upon another homeless person, she decided to help.

She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Romney’s pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and
gave the homeless person $5.

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 02-25-2015 03:14 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

from the Pulpit Wed. night...

A new Preacher came to town and took over the local church..
Sis So&So and town gossiper didn't like him, He didn't show her all
his attention..Well one night the Preachers Car broke down right in front of the local bar..Sis So&So like to lost her voice telling everybody about seeing his car in front of the bar..No matter how hard he tried she would not change her story..
One night while driving home, A thought came to him..

He parked his car in front of Sis So&So's house and walked home!!!

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Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
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Old Post 02-25-2015 03:20 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

Amish woman stopped by a traffic cop. He says, I noticed your reflector on the back of the buggy is broken. That could be a danger to you. She said, Thank Thee for bringing to my attention. I will ask my husband to check this as soon as I get home. The cop says,I notice one of your reigns is wrapped around the horses testicles,some might consider that to be cruel animal treatment. She says,I shall ask my husband to check this also. When she got home she told her husband, An Officer said the reflector needs repair, and, something seems to be wrong with the emergency brake.

Thought everyone could use a little humor, it's been a looooong winter.

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Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
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Old Post 02-25-2015 03:24 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

An old coonhound starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The ol coonhound thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"d
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old coonhound exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old coonhound nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old coonhound sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old coonhound says
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story.
Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and treachery will always overcome youth andskill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 02-25-2015 03:37 AM
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cripple creek
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Jan 2006
Location: mississippi
Posts: 4670

A man walks in to a bar and sees a

horse sitting at the bar and the man said to the horse" Why the long face?"

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Old Post 02-25-2015 04:15 AM
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Stan Ferrell
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Registered: Aug 2014
Location:
Posts: 684

A man walks into a bar and see'e John Kerry, and say's "hey john, why the long face?"

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Old Post 02-25-2015 02:23 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

There was a bit of confusion at Ace Hardware this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the local newspaper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 02-25-2015 06:30 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

Lars was walking by the cemetery when he noticed Ole kneeling at a grave. Ole seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Vhy did ya have to die? Vhy did ya have to die?”
Lars approached him and said, “Ole, I don’t vish to interfere with your grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. Who do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
Ole took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “Lena's first husband.”

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
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Old Post 02-25-2015 06:41 PM
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Jonathan Crump
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Aug 2008
Location: North GA.
Posts: 1226

quote:
Originally posted by The Seeker
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REPUBLICAN AND A DEMOCRAT


Mitt Romney and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came
upon a homeless person. Romney gave the homeless person his business
card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his
pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came upon another homeless person, she decided to help.

She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Romney’s pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and
gave the homeless person $5.



Sad but true

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Old Post 03-04-2015 12:48 PM
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Slough
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

To Be 8 again!

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my
wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking
in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. I then took her to a McDonald's and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.


I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.


'I meant my dress size, you @*#*! idiot!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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Old Post 03-04-2015 01:55 PM
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msinc
Banned

Registered: Oct 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2633

A catholic priest was told by his doctor that he needed to get more exercise, so the priest bought a bicycle. The little boy that cut the grass at the church sees father out riding his new bike one day. Admiring the new bike the boy tells father that is the exact bike he's been saving for. The priest gets an idea to kill two birds with one stone and offers to trade the kid, save the grass cutting money from the collection plate and still get his exercise. The little boy is so happy he agrees. So they swap, bike for lawnmower.
The next day the kid is out riding his new bike and sees father out of breath pulling repeatedly on the lawn mower trying to get it to start. The priest calls the boy over and asks, "what do I have to do to get this silly thing to run??? It wont even make a pop and I'm about to have a heart attack!!! The little boy smiles and says. "father, about the only thing that ever worked to get that thing to run is to put a good cussing on it." Father looks confused and says, "son I thought you said it runs like a top??" The boy says, "it does once you throw a good cussing on it and get it started, just try it!!!" The priest is feeling like he was taken and getting mad. "My son, I am a man of the cloth...I cant do that and besides, it's been so long since I have done any cussing I can't even remember the words!!!" "Don't worry father" says the little boy..."you just stand there and juke on it long enough and those words will all come back to ya'!!!!!"

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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas .


The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

.

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,
"We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other 12 million are already there!"

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

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Old Post 03-06-2015 01:36 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'
Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'

Then I thought...


Holy cow- I could win this!!

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Old Post 04-25-2015 07:38 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth.”

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:
First - whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third –whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different boy—little Johnny--puts his hand up; Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.

"Johnny."

"And what is your question, Johnny?"

"I have five questions:
First - whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third- whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
Fifth - where's Kenneth?

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Old Post 04-25-2015 11:06 PM
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POLARIS KEVIN
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Mar 2015
Location: OHIO
Posts: 21

My New Job

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than
4hours?

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only
pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male
employees.

She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that
he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The
lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but,
I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot
of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could
give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the
absolute best we can do, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck,
a king size bed and $3,000 per month in living expenses.

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Old Post 05-21-2015 03:29 PM
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AppalachianBlue
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2015
Location: Eastern Shore Originally, Western Maryland now
Posts: 1255

Those are some pretty good ones. I love to laugh

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Old Post 06-02-2015 03:10 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

I was taking photos at Hoover Dam at sunrise when a car races up and a guy leaps out with a huge backpack. He runs out on the dam yelling "Alla Achbar!" and just before the middle, he trips and goes headlong over the guardrail and down into the water.

As he flounders there, I have mixed emotions. I know he's a Muslim terrorist, but I have a Christian duty to try to save him. So I immediately contact the police, the fire department, the Coast Guard and Homeland Security.

Well, it's now 3 pm and the guy has long since gone under. Not one rescue person ever showed up.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

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Old Post 08-18-2015 01:18 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't.........."

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Old Post 08-18-2015 01:29 AM
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AppalachianBlue
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2015
Location: Eastern Shore Originally, Western Maryland now
Posts: 1255

These are great lol keep it up

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Kenny Nash
BBCHA MD State Representative
BBOA Member
Call or txt 443- 262-5663
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UKC and ACHA Registered

Appalachian Blues Kennel
CH PR Walkin After Midnight
GRFCH GRCH NITECH PR Appalachian Blue Catfish HTX ( ACHA SC CHT TC )
- 2015 Qualified for World Show
- 2016 Performance Sire
- Final four Pink Hunt, 2nd place reg
- 2017 Performance Sire
CH Pr Appalachian Blue Luna
Pr Appalachian Blue Raven

Chocolate Lab...Banjo. Waterfowl buddy.

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Old Post 08-18-2015 02:24 AM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?""Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle

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Old Post 08-18-2015 03:50 PM
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Bob Hennessey
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 3110

Many years ago when immigrants were flocking to America on ships from Europe there were two men on one of those ships who began talking. Both were very excited about a new life in a new land. They made a pact that they would assimilate and become Americans as quickly as possible.

When they got to New York they disembarked and saw a vendor with a sign that read, "HOT DOGS 10 CENTS" One immigrant turned to the other and said,, "They eat DOGS in America!!" The other said, "Well, we said we would assimilate and I'm hungry and the price is right." They agreed and went to get a hot dog.

They each got their package and when the first one opened his he looked at the other guy and asked, "What part did you get?"

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Old Post 08-19-2015 07:17 PM
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Cowboyred
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2010
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 344

Lars loved to grill and eat meat. He was particularly fond of deer so he moved way up north to a small town near where he did most of his hunting. He bought a house next door to the only church in town which happened to be Catholic. Life was good; lots of deer, turkeys, squirrels-his grill was going all the time. About 2 weeks into Lent the priest stops by to visit Lars. "Lars, you've been a really good neighbor, you keep your place up nice, you help shovel snow off our walk and you never mow or make noise when we're having Mass. However, it's Lent now and many of my congregation have been complaining to me about the smell of your grill because, you see, we abstain from eating meat during Lent. So I was thinking that perhaps you might be willing or at least interested in converting". Lars thought about it for a couple minutes and responded, "Ya, I vanna be a goot neighbor so I vill do dat".
Later that year after completing all the necessary classes Lars is brought into the faith at a special mass. The priest waves incense over him and proclaims "you were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, now your a Catholic." Everything continues on as normal until Lent rolls around again. A couple weeks into Lent the priest is asked to go and speak to Lars because of all the wonderful grilling aromas drifting around town. As the priest rounds the back corner of Lars' house he sees Lars at his grill, meat fork in one hand, pepper shaker in the other. Lars proceeds to wave the pepper shaker over the slab of meat he's grilling chanting "you were born a whitetail and raised a whitetail, now you're a walleye".

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Old Post 08-21-2015 07:47 PM
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Cowboyred
UKC Forum Member

Registered: May 2010
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 344

Ole and Lenna get married. Ole takes Lenna to the big city for their honeymoon. He goes to check into the fanciest hotel he can find and informs the clerk that he just got married and would like a room for the night. The clerk says "oh, you'll be wanting the bridal suite". Ole says "no, a regular room will be just fine". the clerk again tries to get Ole to rent the bridal suite but Ole again says a regular room is all he needs. About this time the concierge interrupts the conversation, "sir, you may want to reconsider your choice. It is customary for newlyweds to use the bridal suite on the first night of their lives together". "By golly, Ole says, I don't need the dang bridal suite, I'll just hang onto her ears till she gets used to it".

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Old Post 08-21-2015 07:57 PM
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Duckassassin
UKC Forum Member

Registered: Feb 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1148

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy,

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March, "
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Old Post 08-23-2015 09:15 PM
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