Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)



You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET
MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 8

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana.'

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.'

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book,' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'


Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:

"Winnie the S***

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."


"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."


The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook ? What happened to your hand?"


The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."


"What about that eye patch?"


"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.

I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."


"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."


"It was my first day with the hook."

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. You let go about 5 strong and loud ones back to back. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember.....You've been listening to your iPod the whole time

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in
two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks'
pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

Tom walked into Schooners one day and saw his buddy Chuck visiting from Kentucky. Chuck was sitting at a table, crying and drinking all by himself.

Tom said, "You look terrible Chuck. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," Chuck said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," Tom replied.

"Then in September," Chuck continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, Chuck, "absolutely nothing!"

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
>>> Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life
>>> Without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and
>>> sign up for some classes.'
>>> Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
>>> The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean
>>> of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.
>>> 'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
>>> The dean says, 'I'll give you an example.. Do you own a weed eater?'
>>> 'Yeah.'
>>> 'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
>>> would have a yard.'
>>> 'That's true, I do have a yard.'
>>> 'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically
>>> that you would have a house.'
>>> 'Yes, I do have a house.'
>>> 'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
>>> family.'
>>> 'Yes, I have a family.
>>> 'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
>>> wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
>>> heterosexual..'
>>> 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
>>> because I have a weed eater.'
>>> Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go
>>> meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up
>>> for Math, English, History, and Logic.
>>> 'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
>>> Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
>>> 'No.'


'Then you're a queer.'

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."


The bartender was crushed to death.

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.


This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely,he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do
Anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... On one condition..."


Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."


The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and
Passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and
Meaningfully said....



"Clean my house."

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

hot and cold sex

After his exam, the doctor said to the very elderly man:
'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical
concerns you would like to ask me bout?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually
cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything
appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The
doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual
concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after
having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty
after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first
time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.'

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days:
Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields,
Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray,
Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman,
Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx,
Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen,
Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns,
Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers,
Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder,
George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks,
Phil Silvers, Jack Carter,
Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles,
Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein
and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy.
Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!


* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"


* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.


* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.


* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!


A man called his mother in Florida ,
"Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and
a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new
babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished,naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie, very hot sex.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

Crabs & Lawyers:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."
Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1.. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2.. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

letus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

A woman was helping her husband to install his new computer. Once the finished installation, it says to her husband that he must choose a password. Something which he will remember because it will be needed to start a session. The man a little macho… wanting to pass a message to his wife, he chooses a password and is eager to see her reaction. When the computer requests the password of him…he looks at his wife with a tempting air and types:



P...

E...

N....

I...

S...

When her husband pressed (enter) she throws herself on the ground laughing.




Because the computer answered her husband:
Access denied… too short!

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

Important Women's Health Issue:

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is
the greatest of the three of them...

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and
that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter,
I can carry 52 times my own weight
and that's why I am the greatest!"













Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something...

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

Bottle of Merlot
> A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
> attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
> So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
> gentleman who is seated over there.'.... And indicated the sender with
> a nod of his head.
> She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
> man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
> The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from
> her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
>
> The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
> Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches
> in your pants'.
>
>
> After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
> return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
> to deliver it to the lady.
>
> It read:
> 'Just to let you know things aren 't always what they appear to be, I
> have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo
> in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and
> a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars
> in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as
> beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine
> back.

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

The other night a friend and I went out for dinner and drinks.

Having had far too much to drink, and knowing that we were drunk,

we did something we had never done before.

we took a bus home, arriving safely and without incident;

which was a real surprise,





since neither one of us had ever driven a bus before.

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

The New 2015 Ford


Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be
able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where
it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, andcan be a real ***** to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

A Montana rancher was out fixing his fence one day when a pickup truck pulls up & man gets out and says "Howdy! I'm your next door neighbor from 40 miles away. I wanted to invite you to a party I'm giving at my house tomorrow night."

The rancher replied " I don't go to parties or hang out around a lot of people. I like the solitude out here. Thanks anyway."

The pickup driver said "Well, you're going to miss a good time. There's going to be a whole lot of eatin' and a drinkin' and a dancin' and a swearin' and a fightin' and a screwin'. "

The rancher said, Well, by golly, that does sound like fun and it sounds like a lot of work, too. Can I bring anything to help?"

The guy said "Nah, it's just going to be me and you."

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2003
Location: S. Ga.
Posts: 4608

This is my neighbor:







She's single...She's HOT!

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.



I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.



She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this

strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"



I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"



Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged