EnglishBabe
UKC Forum Member
Registered: Jun 2003
Location: Beaver Springs, Pennsylvania
Posts: 3316 |
Sorry Wayne
your story brought to mind another I read & still laugh about. I KNOW it SHOULDN'T be funny, cause it hurts, but I still laugh. Take care & trust me when I say...Your more of a man then I'll EVER be, I could never survive it.
> A Tazer Story
>
> To give you some background information, Rex, the author of this
> email, is in his mid 40's about 6'4 and 220 lbs and contrary to this
> story, he is quite an intelligent person.
>
> Dear Friends,
>
> My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
> something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt
> you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the
> near future.
> Here goes.
>
> Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
> (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought
> something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd
> anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my
> sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
> Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
> product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
> designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage,
> low amperage electricity while you flee to safety.
>
> The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
> affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to
> safety.
> You
> simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the
> button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
> muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen
> one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - way too
> cool!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
> two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
> was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
> stinkin'
> directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model
> would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do
> love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
> and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
> looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
> electricity, and a loud pop!!!
> Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have
> yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her
> microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc.,
etc.
> There
> I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
> soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
> thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
> blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a
> fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
> pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
> protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
> would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?
> Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
>
> So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
> ground like a fish out of water.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
> long,
> less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded
> with two itsy,bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin'
> way!"
>
> Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
> Those
> of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
> I'm
> sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one
> side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst
> from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (Sound,
> rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I
> decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
>
> (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always
twenty-twenty.
> It
> is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
> it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
> HOLY*********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through
> the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed
> me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
> side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
> oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had
> never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself,
> "do it again, do it again!"
>
> (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
> note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
> zap yourself.
> You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
> your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
> lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh
> like yours
> truly.)
>
> SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
> time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
> little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
> glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
> My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
> felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
> 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
> By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
> offering a reward. They're round and rather large.
>
> Miss 'em ...... sure would like to get 'em back .
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09-30-2007 01:06 AM
