JJ Watters
UKC Forum Member
Registered: Jun 2008
Location: Gurdon ,AR
Posts: 29 |
There is a difference!!!
College_ Football Time..._
Planning for_ the fall football season in the South is radically
different than up North. For those who are planning a_ football trip
South, here are some_ helpful hints.
Women's_ Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in_ the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis_ Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and
a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's_ what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000_ people.
SOUTH: High school football_ stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their_ daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass_ interference.
Campus_ Decor:
NORTH: Statues of_ founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of_ Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a_ physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss_ America.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Archie_ & Peyton Manning
Getting_ Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before_ the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the_ ticket office on
campus, make a_ large financial contribution and put name on a waiting
list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a_ Thursday Night Game:
NORTH:_ Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game,
_ because
they have classes on_ Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel_ Friday classes because they don't want to see
the few hung over students that might actually make it to_ class.
Parking:
NORTH: An_ hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
_ the
weekend festivities. The really_ faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch_ ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student_ wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes
over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on_ camera and
wave to the idiots up_ north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never
Broadcast from
_ their
campus.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a_ grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at_ dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live_ performance from the Dave Matthews Band,... who
come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of_ bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you_ walk right
in.
SOUTH: When you're_ near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the
state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks_ served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home_ team's mascot on
it, filled less_ than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for
bourbon.
When_ National Anthem is Played:
NORTH_ : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them
stand_ up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all_ standing, sing along in perfect four-part
harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First_ Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH:_ "Dammit, you slow sumb*tch - tackle him and break his_ legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumb*tch - tackle him and_ break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and_ paid.
SOUTH: Announcer_ harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
tear in his eye because he is so proud of his_ team.
After the_ Game:
NORTH: The stadium is_ empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to
_ the
nearest package store for more_ bourbon, and planning begins for next
week's game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even_ halfway close to the glories of
Southern football!
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01-08-2011 01:28 PM
