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Only A Man Would Attempt This

I got this email from a friend and it's too funny not to share. I can just see this happening!


ONLY A MAN
WOULD ATTEMPT THIS


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

__________________
Home of GR CH 'PR' ADAMS' BLUE RIVER THUNDER(RIP) and GR CH 'PR' ADAMS' BLUE LIGHTNING(RIP) GR CH 'PR' ADAMS BLUE RIVER STORMY,'PR' ADAMS BLUE RIVER "BELLE"(RIP we miss you girl) CH 'PR' OLIVER'S BLUE RIVER OLLIE and 'PR' ADAMS'BLUE RIVER BUBBA

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are!

__________________
Ignorance: the lack of knowledge, education, etc.
Stupidity: lacking normal intelligence.
Intelligence: the ability to learn or understand.
You can't fix STUPID!

that is hillarious,but i cant let the wife read this she'll be wanting to get one to use on me

__________________
hayrakeswildjoe Bob Myers 304-369-0849

Awesome

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This is funny I don't know ya but I can picture someone bouncing around on the floor lol

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Full Throttle's Luke

GREAT 1

How many lbs did you loose? I knew it was comin but found myself laughin hard.....

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i aint laughed that had in a long time. i almost cried i laughed so hard
got to love stupid people

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matt jones
334-559-5039

only a man

laughing my head off at this!

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ROFL, i hope my husband gets me a taser for christmas.lol.
kelley

to funny
dont feel to bad ive done it to hurts like he77
ive been shot by the ones the cops have 100 times worse than the little ones

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the freak dozer

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NOW THERE IS A GOOD N.....

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..........

........lololololololol!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL..

How many have try'd thier shock collar?

yup that thar is funny. Sort of. Did you know that a tri tronix classic 70 will do the same thing. I had, I mean a buddy of mine had a bluetick that the shocker didnt faze. I...I mean he shocked her one night with nothing so I.. dangit that is he took it off held it in...his hand and touched the button. Didnt realize it was still on 5 and as soon as the button was pressed both hands closed as tight as humanly possible. Lucky for me, um I mean him the burst only last for 8 seconds. (Quivering with bad memories...for my buddy that is)

__________________
Jeff Driver

quote:

---

Originally posted by RedMan
yup that thar is funny. Sort of. Did you know that a tri tronix classic 70 will do the same thing. I had, I mean a buddy of mine had a bluetick that the shocker didnt faze. I...I mean he shocked her one night with nothing so I.. dangit that is he took it off held it in...his hand and touched the button. Didnt realize it was still on 5 and as soon as the button was pressed both hands closed as tight as humanly possible. Lucky for me, um I mean him the burst only last for 8 seconds. (Quivering with bad memories...for my buddy that is)

---

I knew a guy growing up who wanted to test out a new shocker so he straped it aound his calf good and tight, gave the buttion to his wife (dont ever give it to the wife) For two hrs she chased him around shocking him and wouldnt let him take the collar off.

quote:

---

Originally posted by mncoonhuntngrl
I knew a guy growing up who wanted to test out a new shocker so he straped it aound his calf good and tight, gave the buttion to his wife (dont ever give it to the wife) For two hrs she chased him around shocking him and wouldnt let him take the collar off.

---

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Haha. I know what it feels like unfortantly. I had to go through taser certification which included a 10second hit from a x26. I can't imagine a minute burst.

Tazer!

That is funny! Should have recorded it, lol!!

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Do it again & put it on youtube.........please,please,please

Too funny!

Exactly the point why men like this shouldn't breed! Stupid is as stupid does, nough said!

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