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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Psychiatrists vs. Bartender
Since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS.........
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the
vegetables while you chop.

2 to avoid arguments with the females about
lifting the toilet seat- use the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. [remember to use a timer.]

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives - you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life : Wd40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd40. If it shouldn't move and does, use
the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an
electrical problem.

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies -
not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack..

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay..

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000.. Tux rental-$100..

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
...What was the third child 's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole
...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language
...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
...Why not?

8. What was the President 's name
...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,
...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?


Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn 't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ... ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.


2) You are human.


3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.


4) You just attempted to do it.


6) You are laughing at yourself.


7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.


You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.


9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.



10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Scottish Wedding At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Lance Armstrong I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frigin bike.
The Agony of Aging On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his ***** with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
SCAM Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" She answers "For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.



“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."



Jim gets this horrified look on his face.



She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"



”For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.”



"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

GOODBYE GRANDPA

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

You should really be over sixty to even be allowed to read this story. If you're not, just save it and read it again when you are old enough to appreciate it...


A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).

The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

WORDS FROM A PILOT:


During a commercial airline flight a dead heading Airline Pilot was seated
next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during
the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Airline Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a Cross in front of him; the other is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money in the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar with the Cross, while none give to the beggar with the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turning to the beggar with the Cross, said, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Morning y'all! Nice cool morning here!

Shannon thank the good lord they was neg!

James Good ones! Lol

Hope everyone has great weekend!

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a
Turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to
Deflect it.

He finished the box and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she had enough, and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you
Stupid, worthless, Infidel, Catholic dog."

She laughed and said, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get
10 years, you towel-headed camel lover."

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

GOODMORNING
44 SUNNY
THANKS FOR THE PRAYERS DID FIND OUT THEY COUGHT THE CANCER IN EARLY STAGES
JAMES
GOOD ONES THEY BRIGHTENED MY DAY
EVERYONE HAVE GREAT DAY

__________________

CB&L KENNELS
HOME OF TREETALKIN
BLACK & TANS
CORKY CROWDER
BRANDON MAYO
LINDA CROWDER
PR TREETALKIN LITTLE SASSY
TREETALKIN TROOPERS BLEW
TREETALKIN RANGER DANGER
TREETALKIN LIL SHOOTEM UP JAKE
GRCHPR TREETALKIN NIGHTHAWK GONE BUT NEVER WILL BE FORGOTTEN R.I.P.

RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?

A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until
it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot buthole?', he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..'

Traffic Ticket � $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's face............ Priceless

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell. While there, they spied a red phone and asked what the phone was for. The devil told them it was for calling back to Earth.

Putin asked to call Russia and talked for 5 minutes. When he was finished, the devil informed him that the cost was ONE million dollars, so Putin wrote him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth called England and talked for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informed her that the cost was SIX million dollars, so she wrote him a check.

Finally George Bush got his turn and talked for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that the cost was $5.00. When Putin heard this he went ballistic and asked the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiled and replied: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to Hell, so it's a local call.

__________________
James Lawrence, Big Slough Kennels

Good Evening ALL!

Prayers to all!
Corky, lots for your step son and wife!! Glad they are catching it early. We will continue to pray....
Shannon, YA on the negative tests! Thanks and Bob said to tell you thanks as well!
Now I've read so many jokes I forget what else I read and who else to thank... VaBlueGal, John I think... I forget but thanks to all!
GREAT Jokes and AWESOME pix! If we drove up to a rest stop and saw all those nice dawgs we'd be beside ourselves! WOW! And the landscape WOWER! Very nice, have a blast!
I'm home for the weekend. Working on ditching a VERY mild cold I have. Don't wanna expose mum to ANY cold! I rested up all day today...and most of yesterday. Bob is glad I'll be home for the whole weekend and it's a three day with Veterans day! GOD BLESS OUR VETS!!
I'll be yacking at you over the weekend, HappyHunting!
Heather

__________________
Home of the BIGCASTLEDAWGS
http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i71/BIGCASTLEDAWGS/Websters%20First%20coon/IMG_0045.jpg

Good morning gang! 32 now going up to 50 today.


I am now on vacation for a week. WOO HOO!!

Corky - continued prayers for your step son and his wife.

Shannon - glad the results came back negative.

Heather - I hope you shake the cold quickly.

James - good ones.

Have a great weekend everyone.

__________________
John Sisley

Shannon - sonogram............maybe they are checking to see if your pregnant????????????

quote:

---

Originally posted by Moonlightanna
Thank you vablue !!!! I'm doing well .. I got my results back yesterday and they are neg. for the 'c' word .. But the doctor is planning a sonagram in the next week to still search for the reason why I have abdomen pain .. But I can complain at all !!! I'm very blessed !! You are a sweet lady !! Thank you again !

---

__________________
John Sisley

GOODMORNING
WAS 29 SUNNY WHEN I GOT UP
JOHN
THANKS I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THE PREGNANT POSSIBILITY
JAMES
GOOD JOKES
HEATHER
THANKS HOPE YOU SHAKE THE COLD SOON

__________________

CB&L KENNELS
HOME OF TREETALKIN
BLACK & TANS
CORKY CROWDER
BRANDON MAYO
LINDA CROWDER
PR TREETALKIN LITTLE SASSY
TREETALKIN TROOPERS BLEW
TREETALKIN RANGER DANGER
TREETALKIN LIL SHOOTEM UP JAKE
GRCHPR TREETALKIN NIGHTHAWK GONE BUT NEVER WILL BE FORGOTTEN R.I.P.

quote:

---

Originally posted by John Sisley
Shannon - sonogram............maybe they are checking to see if your pregnant????????????

---

__________________
"Pr" Moonlight Anna R.I.P.-
(you were a world class champion to me !)

SHOW CH ' Rays Moonlight Anna's Dream.. MOLLY
FCH CH' PR' Ray's Moonlight Anna's Dream..MOLLY
"Pr" Hannah Ruth's saving angel .... Roo

My heart WILL FOREVER BELONG to my Blueticks..

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord , thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end..... JER. 29:11

LMBO!

Hi Folks...
Laughing at the pregnancy thing... When I'm at the Dr or getting a shot or whatever...and they ask "is there a chance you might be pregnant?" I always write NO!!!! lol... THen again when they ask marital status I say MARRIED!!!!!

Prayers to all in need! Or not in need even!

Working on shaking the cold. I have none nothing but rest... I am SO glad I did NOT go to mums. I do have a slight fever and basically just feel BLAH...and quite grumpy...lol... Will work HARD to get better, not worse!
Bob's been doing "stuff" all day...lol... CHanged water pump and thermostat on Jeep...had to run out to auto parts store couple times. FOund a TINY pinhole leak in a pipe in basement...and of course fixing IT... an "easy fix" at an elbow all the other old pipes around it are dying... SO... off to the plumbing supply... lol... I MADE him get dinner on way home and take a break. GLAD I did! Now he's missing his beloved Bruins hockey... working on pipe...Poor Dude. Not sure what else he plans for the weekend? Good thing I"m not feeling chatty and cheery and wanting company! lol...
SO... hoping you all have GREAT night and VERY Happy Hunting too! Heather

PS... cold here...but no clue the temps...if I can't go out I don't care! lol......

__________________
Home of the BIGCASTLEDAWGS
http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i71/BIGCASTLEDAWGS/Websters%20First%20coon/IMG_0045.jpg

Morning.....39 and windy.

Coon season opens tonight!!!!

__________________
John Sisley