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-- New Joke For Today (http://forums.ukcdogs.com/showthread.php?threadid=1030)

New Joke For Today

I just heard this one today. It was pretty good...

Nuts by the Fence

On the outskirts of a small town,there was a
big,old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence..
One day, two boys filled up a bucket full of nuts
and sat down by the tree,out of sight, and
began dividing the nuts. "One for you,one for
me. One for you,one for me, said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the
fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough
he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me".

He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's
Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery".
He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along. " Come here quick " said the boy.
" You won't believe what I heard !
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up the souls. "The man said, "Beat
it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard "One for you,
one for me. One for you ,one for me........."
The old man whispered, " Boy you've been
telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself."
Shaking with fear-they peered through the fence, yet
were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you ,one for me "
And one last "One for you , one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence,
and we'll be done..".........

They say the old man made it back to town a
full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike !!

__________________
David Padgett

When the tailgate drops,... The excuses just get more frequent.

Here's one more while I'm at it...

The true essensce of mother-in-laws...

Vacation In the Holy Land


A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies.

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only$150.

The guy says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

__________________
David Padgett

When the tailgate drops,... The excuses just get more frequent.

adam walks out to the edge of the garden with cane and able says boys this use to ares untill your mother eat us out of house and home

__________________
Country Boy Can Survive



Anderson County Coon Club
Lance White
865-919-7234

It was getting dark and a humpback fellow was taking a shortcut home through the cemetary. He fell in a freshdug grave and as he was trying to get out he felt a hand on his shoulder and a deamon said "Give me all your gold and jewels". Fellow said I ain't got any gold and jewels , all I got in life is this here hump. To his surprise the deamon said OK now be own your way and boosted him out of the hole. The fellow stood up like a 20 year old for the first time in his life. He ran straight to Joe's house to tell him what happened. He said Joe, I know how to cure your Bum leg. Joe went and fell in the grave and the demon said "Give me your gold and jewels". Joe said he did not have any, all he had was a bumb leg. The demon said the devil came by just now and stressed he did not want anything but gold and jewels and helped Joe out the hole. Joe was dissapointed and started to leave. The demon called him back and said" here, you might as well take this Hump.

2 preachers were standing in front of their churches which were across the road from one another. They were holding up signs.1 read the end is near the other one said STOP it is time to turn yourself around. Here comes a guy in a big 4 wheel drive truck flying down the road at them. Thet were yelling and waving their signs and the driver barely slowed down. He blew his horn and yelled get the ---- out of the road you religious -------- and sped on down the road. pretty soon the 2 preachers heard tires a screeching followed by a loud crash. 1 preacher looked at the other and said you know people are always telling me that preachers are hard to understand we don`t always come riight to the point. The other preacher says yeah maybe we should have just held up a sign that said bridge out.

A MAN FOUND HIS LITTLE NEIGHBOR BOY DIGGING A HOLE IN THE BACKYARD!!! "WHAT'S THE HOLE FOR,SON" HE ASKED!!! "TO BURY MY GOLDFISH,SIR" HE REPLIED!!! "WHY SUCH A BIG HOLE" CONTINUED THE MAN!!! " 'CAUSE HE'S IN YOUR CAT" SAID THE BOY!!!

!

lol

__________________
JASON MULLIS

704-320-5232
KEEP THE YOUTH INVOLVED SOMEDAY YOU WILL GET OLD IF THE GOOD LORD ALLOWS IT AND YOU WILL WANT SOMEBODY TO TAKE YOU HUNTING!!!!!!!!!

good laugh from all of them. my dads a primitive baptist preacher so i cant wait to tell him that one.

u do know that coffee is in the bible right

its in the book of hebrews lol

__________________
Country Boy Can Survive



Anderson County Coon Club
Lance White
865-919-7234

A LITTLE BOY WANTED HIS BIG LONG-TAILED DOG TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE SHORT LITTLE 'BOB' TAILS!!! HE BEGINS CUTTING OFF 2-3 INCH SECTIONS, WHEN HIS DAD COMES OUTSIDE AND ASKS "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!!!" THE BOY EXPLAINS TO HIS FATHER THAT HE WANTED HIS DOG TO HAVE A SHORT LITTLE 'BOB' TAIL!!! THE MAN SAYS "INSTEAD OF CUTTING HIS TAIL OFF IN LITTLE SECTIONS LIKE THAT, WHY NOT JUST CUT IT OFF IN ONE BIG PIECE???" THE BOY LOOKS AT HIS DAD AND SAYS "WELL HE'S WIGGLING BAD ENOUGH WITH ME CUTTING A LITTLE AT A TIME, I DON'T THINK HE COULD HANDLE ME CUTTING OFF THE WHOLE THING AT ONCE!!!"

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hey Preacher!!!
A LITTLE BOY WANTED HIS BIG LONG-TAILED DOG TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE SHORT LITTLE 'BOB' TAILS!!! HE BEGINS CUTTING OFF 2-3 INCH SECTIONS, WHEN HIS DAD COMES OUTSIDE AND ASKS "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!!!" THE BOY EXPLAINS TO HIS FATHER THAT HE WANTED HIS DOG TO HAVE A SHORT LITTLE 'BOB' TAIL!!! THE MAN SAYS "INSTEAD OF CUTTING HIS TAIL OFF IN LITTLE SECTIONS LIKE THAT, WHY NOT JUST CUT IT OFF IN ONE BIG PIECE???" THE BOY LOOKS AT HIS DAD AND SAYS "WELL HE'S WIGGLING BAD ENOUGH WITH ME CUTTING A LITTLE AT A TIME, I DON'T THINK HE COULD HANDLE ME CUTTING OFF THE WHOLE THING AT ONCE!!!"

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SORRY, THE ONLY 'TRULY' GOOD JOKE I KNOW IS THE ONE WHERE THE TAIL WAGS THE DOG!!!

An American general was over in the middle east conducting military training. One day he was visiting with a Saudi Arabian general, the Saudi general tells the American general that his son just loves American culture, especially Star Trec. The Saudi general says," What we can't figure out is why there are no arabs on star trec. There are people of all different ethnic groups but no arabs." The American general said," That's easy general. Star Trec takes place in the future!"

__________________
Southern Shadow Blueticks
Jay Williams

what do u call a cow with two legs
lean beef

what do u call a cow with no legs
ground beef

__________________
Country Boy Can Survive



Anderson County Coon Club
Lance White
865-919-7234

last one
how to catch a coon
1.dig a hole 2 feet wide and 2 feet deep
2.place corn and candy around hole
3.fill hole 1/2 full with ashes
4.when coon starts eating kick him in the ash hole

__________________
Country Boy Can Survive



Anderson County Coon Club
Lance White
865-919-7234

A husband and wife were driving down the road when they saw a baby river otter on the side of the road. The animal was obviously in distress, so they stopped to pick it up. When they got it back in the truck the woman said, "Oh, I feel so sorry for the little guy. He seems so cold!" Her husband says, "Well, put it down in between your legs so he can warm up a little." The wife responds, "But it's wet and stinks!" The man says, "Just hold his little nose, he'll be OK!"

__________________
Keep 'em treed,
Jeff Wagner

Hunting is one of those pleasures that you won't understand if you have to have it explained, which is good because folks who enjoy it can't fully explain why. -Ron Spomer

A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey on his shoulder. The Bar tender tells him to get the monkey out says he can't have no wild animals in his bar. The guy assures the bar tender that his monkey is fully trained and won't cause any trouble. No sooner does he finish saying this when the monkey jumps off his shoulder onto the pool table and swallows the eight ball. The bartender kicks them out.... Two weeks later the same guy with same monkey comes back into the bar. The bartender trys again to kick him out. But now the man insists that the monkey has learned his lesson and will be good. The bartender says he will give him one more chance. Sure as can be the monkey sits very quietly on a barstool next to the man causing no trouble. Awhile later the bartender brings the monkey a little bowl of cocktail cherries. The monkey takes one pokes it up his but then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender says gross!!! why the heck did he do that? The man replys, well ever since he ate that eight ball he pre-sizes everything before he eats it.

__________________
Lonetree Kennels "Where dogs are made one tree at a time."
Home of-
David and Jessica Smith 605-270-2674
GRNITECH 'PR' DERBY CITY SANDY
GRNITECH GRCH CASH'S CAMO JUG OF SHINE
--2012 National Grand Nite Champion American Leopard Hound
--High Scoring Leopard 2012 Autumn Oaks
--High scoring Leopard Saturday night at Leopard days 2011
--Qualified for the 2011 UKC World Hunt.
--High Scoring Leopard of the 2011 UKC World Hunt
--Breed Winner for the 2011 Purina Race Hunt
--2011 South Dakota State Hunt Champion
CH RYLEIGH'S GRIM REAPER
--Tri-State Coonhunters Association 2010 Bench show dog of the year

And the Redbone--
2013 Tri-State Overall Bench Show Dog of the Year:
'PR' CH RAGGED RIDGE CJ (Willie) co-owned with Bob Julson

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny – but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth.

I did.

Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

Later on, I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken. Pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.

Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite ‘live’ animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”;

Guess where I am now…;

__________________
misty view kennels
mistyvu@earthlink.net
" If you ain't the lead dog, then your view never changes"

Team Trouble

THERE WAS THIS OLD FARMER AND 1 DAY HE BROUGHT A BILLY GOAT HOME, HIS WIFE STARTS B%^&ING AT HIM WHY DID YOU BUY THIS DAM GOAT THE OLD FARMER ASSURES HER HE GOT A GREAT DEAL ON HIM, LATER ON THAT NIGHT THE BILLY GOAT WAS IN THERE BEDROOM, THE WIFE SAYS WHAT IN THE HECK ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THAT SMELL the old man says dont worry the goat will get used to that smell i did a long time ago

__________________
MERLE COBLENTZ
937-313-2880 CELL
CALL TEXT VOXER
HOME OF GOODTIME KENNEL
WHERE WE SHOW ON THE HARDWOOD

got a good one!!

an old man is setting on his porch,when a young boy walks by with a role of chicken wire.old man asks"boy what are you gonna do with that chicken wire?" boy says "going to get me some chickens".old man yells back"you ain't gonna get any chickens with that chicken wire!!".........
15 min. later boy comes walking back by with a bunch of chickens wrapped inside the chicken wire.

next day old man setting out on porch.boys comes walking by with a role of duct tape.old man asks"boy what you doing with duct tape?" boy says"going to get me some ducks".old man says "boy you ain't gonna get no ducks with that duct tape"!!and laughs to himself........
15 min. later boy comes back by with a bunch of ducks wrapped in duct tape

next day old mans setting on his porch. boy comes walking by with a hand full of pussy willows.old man asks "boy what you doing with them pussy will.................never mind, let me get my hat!!!"

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

__________________
Country Boy Can Survive



Anderson County Coon Club
Lance White
865-919-7234

A MAN AND WOMAN MEET IN HEAVEN, FALL IN LOVE, AND GO ASK GOD IF THEY CAN BE MARRIED!!! GOD TELLS THEM TO COME BACK TOMORROW!!! THE NEXT DAY THEY RETURN ASKING TO BE WED AND GOD ONCE AGAIN TELLS THEM TO COME BACK TOMORROW!!! THIS GOES ON EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR AND JUST AS THEY WERE ABOUT TO LOSE HOPE GOD TELLS THEM THEY HAVE PERMISSION!!! A NEARBY PREACHER PERFORMS THE CEREMONY AND ALL IS WELL FOR A FEW WEEKS!!! THE COUPLE RETURNS TO ASK GOD FOR A DIVORCE CLAIMING THEY NOW CAN'T STAND EACH OTHER!!! GOD TELLS THEM TO COME BACK TOMORROW!!! THE MAN COMPLAINS "THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID WHEN WE WANTED TO GET MARRIED"!!! GOD REPLIES "THAT'S RIGHT, IT TOOK ME A YEAR TO FIND A PREACHER UP HERE, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT WILL TAKE TO FIND A LAWYER"!!!

quote:

---

Originally posted by david r
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny – but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth.

I did.

Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

Later on, I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken. Pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.

Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite ‘live’ animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”;

Guess where I am now…;

---

quote:

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Originally posted by l.lyle
I can see right now already, it is going to take you ten years to get a simple BS degree like it did me , and I really did hate school. You will only have to remember what they say in class and spout it back to them and just act like you believe one word of it. That is the best way I know how to get by. By the way, old ben, just now posted a thing about dogfeed and we got a chuckleout of it. Tell me true what you think about Gloable worming as compared to carbon sequenstration as compared to old Krebs Cycle. If you will spare a minute or two with us.

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ah george not the livestock.